12/24/18 | update numero uno, or: how i stopped worrying and learned to love the bulb
joyeux noel! wish i could've come up with a more festive update name but to be honest i haven't been feeling too christmassy this year. plus i have a giant fucking canker sore right inside my mouth so thanks santa. instead of trying to figure out what byproducts of the capitalist machine i want this year i've instead spent the last year or so crippled by angst and self-esteem; i think it goes farther back than that, and a little deeper too, but to sum things up i've felt like ass for various reasons for a long time, long enough that i don't even know why that i'm angry or depressed or whatever anymore. it doesn't even elicit much emotion from me anymore, just this ringing, obnoxious sense of tiredness.
and i still feel like ass! thank fucking god though, finals are over and instead of sitting around moping and ignoring actual important matters i said fuck it and made a website. as of this writing, the html is still pretty rudimentary and i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. there are dozens of different attributes and styles and they all have to be nested like one of those creepy but almost cute little russian nesting dolls, or else i get red practically wailing at me on the screen whenever i hit inspect element in firefox. i've checked all of these pages using the w3c validator and they seem fine (aside from outdated html elements but fuck you i'll use "font color='red'" if i WANT), so i'm giving it a rest until i get further feedback. i'm still dipping my toes in css but holy shit pretty much all of my initial content is done, and it almost feels rewarding.
now that i have a solid base to build off of, i've been thinking about how shitty this year went and how nothing, in my actual physical life mostly, hadn't changed for shit - i know that it's probably entirely my fault and i've accepted that. the thing is, i already accepted that shit wouldn't get better in 2018 and that the best i could do was distract myself, getting invested in things i found interesting as an escape method. that obviously didn't work out too well, so i'm really at a loss as what to do for 2019, other than try to get my shit back together, at the very least. i want to actually start working on art on an at least semi-regular basis so i can get to a point where i feel competent - same with writing too, honestly.
again, as i'm writing this, i don't even have a global stylesheet yet. i want this site to be something where i can just reliably dump all of the shit i put together on the internet. i'm kinda worried about the lack of community interaction that something like neocities would give me, but after watching most of the somnolians (mostly you, mari, fucking christ) get swallowed up and buttfucked by it for months i see it as both a blessing and a curse. i'm sure i'm too late by this point, but it's fucking christmas, and i'm so goddamn tired of being trapped in this way of thinking that i just want to make amends, have my awkward nog-filled christmas and mash some shit together until i have a fucking good-looking, worthwhile site.
it's almost 4 am, aka the point where i start losing consciousness, so i'll wrap this incoherent mess up here. merry christmas kids, stay in school, and try not to choke on a candy cane.