mari's Scratchpad

Reflecting on 2020 (and Predicting 2021)

• Posted by mariteaux on December 31st, 2020 filed in Sperging
• 6 Comments »

Well lads, later today as I write this, I go live for my last livestream in 2020. I largely stopped doing them this year because they were feeling a lot more like work than fun, but every three months or so, I feel that pull and do another one. This stream’s gonna be on do-overs, stuff that got ruined mid-stream by me having a stupid little episode or internet troubles or what have you.

I’ve been thinking about do-overs a lot lately, really; 2020 has felt like the year of do-overs. From giving VDU the resting place it always deserved to resurrecting our Gopher, it’s been comfy going back to these big ideas and failed projects and seeing them out to their fullest potential. And trust me, there’s plenty more stories to revisit and things that embarrassed me then to make into something I’m truly proud of.

Last year, I wrote a lot about my hopes for 2020, how I was trying to grow from a lot of frustration, misery, and perhaps uncomfortably personal issues I put out there. Really, it’s all been totally worth it. I feel more at peace, confident, and happier than I’ve ever felt. My life has only gone upwards as I’ve gotten older, believe me, and this year’s ending off much, much better than the last. Couldn’t ask for a better group or a better girlfriend to be spending the time with, even if it’s all online for the moment.

On a more technological front, all the ideas and goals I outlined in “A Year Under the Bulb: Our Upgrade Plans” on Letters either came to fruition, served their purpose, or something equivalent came along. I feel crazy accomplished for this year. Next year, I’d like to have less to list off on recaps, but more big things to feel truly accomplished over. Here’s a list of a few to tackle:

• Finishing the mltx EP: This one’s top priority for January. I’ve gotten a lot more ambitious with my song ideas since early this year when I started working on it, so expect major changes to the demos already released and some new ones to make it out.
• A new aphrodisiac EP: Can you tell I really like the EP format? What I wrote in “Strong Alcohol”, where I wanted the next aphrodisiac record to be the last, I’m not so sure I want anymore. I think I have a lot more I want to get out of it sonically and conceptually. Again, I’ve become aware of how simple and clunky a lot of my songs have been, and next year, I want to get a lot better and more elaborate with it.
• “The Fatal Commons” as a novella: I’ve been rearranging a lot of that “Fatal Commons” draft in my head since I last worked on it, and some new, bigger plot threads and improvements in characterization have since cropped up. I’d like to turn what would’ve been a 3,500-4,000 word work into twice or thrice that. I’m planning for this to be my long-term second half of 2021 project, if all goes to plan.
• The return of Otherwhere: Otherwhere, which was my Failure songblog, wasn’t quite as fun or interesting as I’d hoped when I started it in 2019. About the only good thing that attempt did was show me how kickass WordPress is as blogging software. Next time you see it, likely after the Rediscoverings are through, it’ll have a much nicer theme and be far less to read, and far less work on me.
• The sunsetting of Tesserae: Stretch goal. I told Caby earlier that I have (though I think I’m much better now) a noxious habit of picking up projects in days that’d take someone years to see to fruition. Tesserae is the poster child for that habit, and while it’s plenty useful even just to me, it’s also a huge project that I’m trying to keep under. Once the four sections are filled up, I’m calling it done and moving along.
• Learning to draw: Yeah, don’t be surprised if I post wonky badgers at some point. I have many, many lads to get out of my head and onto toyhou.se.

As for my real world plans, it’s hard to say without bumping into the awkward fact that I’m as stuck as a lot of you right now. I’ve already made my opinions about the subject known to a limited degree, and it’s going to stay limited because it’s just not a productive conversation to get into. Emotions and black and white thinking kicks in, and people awkwardly set up one of two positions and make the “other side” out to be monsters. The only winning move is to not play.

There’s the shot, here’s the chaser: this world is big, and people can only take so much. I’ve seen civil disobedience from businesses and citizens alike, pushback from social commentators and scientists alike, and that’s only getting stronger by the day. Think of how much changes in a year. If you’re stuck, I know exactly how frustrating it can be. Keep yourself occupied with whatever you love and whoever you love. This is to make you miserable and compliant.

No more blackpills. I’m waiting and seeing, and I see no reason to despair. After every big disaster comes life. Thrive and fight for your pursuit of happiness. Happy New Year, everyone.